Let’s Cast “Orange is the New Black” Season Three!

WEIRDLY ENOUGH SPOILERS FOR “THE L WORD” FOLLOW…

Today I’m going to cast “Orange is the New Black” season three, so that Jenji Kohan/casting directors don’t have to.  The following are actresses/actors that fosho need to be cast in Season Three, and who they should play.  

  • JENNIFER CARPENTER(Debra Morgan from “Dexter”):  If you’ve ever read this blog before, you’d know that Jennifer Carpenter is my religion(as is Sarah Paulson a.k.a. our lord and savior).   I feel like Jennifer Carpenter should be in every show as the universe’s way of apologizing for the final season of “Dexter”, but I specifically want/need her to join “Orange is the New Black”, because she’s just so perfect for it.  As Debra Morgan, Carpenter was incredibly versatile, she could make us laugh with her foul mouthed antics, make us sad with her incredible crying, everything she was given she just took it and ran with it, which is why she needs to be on “OITNB”.                                                                                                                 WHO SHE SHOULD PLAY:  I could see her playing a foul mouthed prison guard, who doesn’t take any shit, but has a heart of gold underneath her cold exterior(cliché, I know).   I could also see her playing an inmate who was part of a motorcycle gang, who swears a lot, and starts up a relationship with Alex Vause and becomes involved in a love triangle with Piper and Alex.
  • FAMKE JANNSSEN( EVERYTHING):   You might know Famke from “Nip/Tuck” as the crazy but hot transgender woman who was fucking her son, or maybe you know her as crazy but hot lady who is probably fucking her son as well as her brother in law on “Hemlock Grove”, or maybe you know her as Jean Grey from “X-Men”.  The thing is you probs know Famke Jennsson and her incredibly sexy name.  Currently she stars on Netflix’s other, other show “Hemlock Grove”,  which is so terrible it’s almost good(almost).                                                                                                                  But let’s just ignore that, because everyone else does, and let’s just say she needs to be on “Orange is the New Black”.   Because…well….she totally does.                                                               WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:   Alex Vause’s hot aunt, who goes to jail and is super crazy and yells a lot(Fun Fact:  Famke Jennsson was going to star in “The Farm”, a failed Showtime spin-off of “The L Word”, which was going to be based in a women’s prison).
  • BRIE LARSON(UNITED STATES OF TARA, COMMUNITY, SHORT TERM 12):  Brie Larson is a fucking gem.   This girl is just awesome, I don’t think I need any further explanation.   She needs to be in more television, haven’t casting directors seen “Short Term 12”?                                                                                                                WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  I’m thinking more of a  two episode guest-spot/recurring role, maybe as Soso’s friend who she mentions all the time.
  • PAM GRIER(“The L Word”, “Smallville”):  I really love Pam Grier, and that’s why it makes me sad that she’s been so absent in the media lately.  Her last television role was like three episodes on “Smallville”, where she was only around for like ten minutes total.   She’s awesome, and we need more Kit Porter in our lives.     WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  Pam Grier is a badass, who knows how to bring the sass, so who better for her to play than Sophia’s mom?  ALSO MORE LAVERNE COX, ASAP!
  • JESSICA LANGE(“American Horror Story”):  She’s almost free, you guys.  Free from the clutches of Ryan Murphy’s inconsistent writing(TBH, I still love AHS, but that mostly has to do with the cast and Tim Minear).  Jessica Lange could play a tree, and I’d still watch it.  Get her on OITNB!                                                                                                              WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:       I haven’t thought that far ahead.  Really ‘do, Jessica Lange for OITNB!

I might make a second part of this if I get any other ideas.  In the meantime, tell me in the comments who you want to see on “Orange is the New Black”, and whether or not you like my casting choices.  Thanks for reading!

*I apologize for the horrible formatting, this new formatting is the worst.

                                                                                              

This Week In Media/Television: Planet of the Apes, Jenny Lewis and Brie Larson, The L Word, Hannibal, & Other Stuff!

Welcome to week 2 of “This Week in Media/Television”, the revised version of last weeks “This Week in Television”, because now we cover other media!  Basically, I string together random thoughts about things and call it an article.  

THE L WORD SEASON TWO, EPISODE SIX “LAGRIMAS DE ORO”:  THIS IS THE WAY, IS THE WAY, THAT WE LIIIIIIIVVVEE, AND LOVVVVVVEEE!!!!!!  Sorry ’bout that, I have “The L Word” theme song permanently burned into the back of my skull now and it’s only been around six episodes so far.  So episode six was chock full of talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, writing, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming, and hot prego-sex in a swimming pool.  For reals ‘do, this episode was so good.

So the big moment we’ve been waiting for is here, Dana breaks up with Tonya, and Tonya leaves Dana for Melissa Rivers(who loves our girl T for the person, not the gender).  I felt it was kind of a copout to have Tonya also have been cheating on Dana.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I ship Dalice, but it kind of takes off the whole “Dana’s got a sweet slightly crazy but sweet fiancée who is like perfect, except for the fact she totally killed Mr. Piddles(which is unforgivable, if true), and she’s cheating on her with Alice!” moral ambiguousness.   Though that face that Shane made at the end of the episode was perhaps the best thing I’ve seen in my whole entire life.

Jenny is dating super sexy sex god Carmen de la Pica Morales(that name ‘do, that’s the sexiest name ever), but Carmen really just wants her some Shane(who doesn’t really?).  This leads to us getting some Jenny carnival visions(yay?), and Carmen is like a super sexy Kali, and Shane is the beast tamer, and Jenny jumps off a ledge.  It’s really stupid and pretentious, but that’s just cause Jenny’s like totally intellectual and you just don’t get her writing(my favorite pretentious Jenny moment was her letter to Tim in Season One, and the woman who can speak to manatees book).   Also Jenny’s teacher and that blonde guy want to have a threesome with her fosho.

Tina had a hot hookup with Helena in the pool, which was totes gross because she’s pregnant, but also one of the hottest sex scenes I’ve ever scene on television, especially when they’re in the pool and that jazzy music plays.  Poor Bette ‘do, and that face she made when she was talking to Kit about Kit’s new BF was priceless.  Really all of Bette’s faces are priceless.

GRADE:  B+ for Bette Porter plus for that Shane smile

*Comment if you want me to do more “L Word” reviews, this is sort of me testing the waters.

JENNY LEWIS NEW VIDEO W/ BRIE LARSON, KRISTEN STEWART, AND ANNE HATHAWAY:  I think I was legally dead for five seconds when I realized Jenny Lewis and Brie Larson were in the same music video.  It’s got Shane McCutch…I mean Kristen Stewart and Anne Hathaway as well, and they’re dressed in drag for portions of the video, and it’s just so good.  It’s for Jenny’s new CD “Voyager” and the song is called “Just One of the Guys”.  WATCH IT!

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES:   This was like the anti-summer blockbuster.   I mean it had a huge scope, giant fights, and a summer blockbuster-y premise but it was like…good.   I’m not trying to say that blockbusters can’t be good, but this movie actually felt like a movie and not just a cash grab.  It was fun and dark, and quite frankly kind of depressing.  SPOILER ALERT when I though Caesar was dead, I was about ready to cry right there in the movie theater END SPOILERS.  It was fucking awesome, go see it!

GRADE:  A-

HANNIBAL SEASON THREE SCOOP:  RAUL MUTHAFUCKIN’ ESPARZA IS BACK BITCHES(#TEAMCHILTON)!  Also we’ll see Abel Gideon in flashback form, Abby is back in some form, and a whole ton of characters from the books/movies I don’t know about will be introduced.   GILLIAN MUTHAFUCKIN’ ANDERSON MIGHT BE A REGULAR!   Basically, this season is going to be fucking amazing.

COMMUNITY IS COOL, COOL, COOL:  Season Six of “Community” is happening, and Troy may or may not come back, not much else came out of comic-con in terms of Community news.  Let’s try and get Donald Glover back on “Community” guys, we can do this, and he can even say that it’s “Because the Internet”.

KENNY JOHNSON BOOKS A LONG TERM STAY IN “BATES MOTEL” WITH NICOLA PELTZ: Kenny Johnson, from “The Shield”(which I haven’t seen) and as that one guy who died on “Dexter”, who played Norma’s brother/father of her child will be back and a regular in Season Three of the A&E series.   Nicola Peltz is back too, after exiting the show in episode two of Season two to work on “Transformers”.

MARY LOUISE PARKER RETURNS TO TELEVISION…WELL NBC…BUT HEY, IT’S SOMETHING:  In another round of NBC’s fun game of “pull an idea out of a hat and see if it sticks”, a eight hour mini-series called “The Slap” has been greenlit.  It’s about a family that is torn apart after a father slaps another family’s child, and is based off an Australian series.   Anyhow Mary Louise Parker and Peter Sarsgaard will star in it as Hollywood execs, and Sarsgaard will start an affair with his wife’s assistant(husband cheating on wife with younger woman is such a worn out cliché at this point, unless it’s Alexandra Daddario, no one cares.   These fictional couples just need to learn about open relationships), and Mary Louise Parker is a friend of Sarsgaard and Hollywood exec who loses her job after green-lighting a pilot called “The Slap”(lol, jk, she does play an executive producer though).

In slightly better news for MLP(just slightly), she will be on “The Blacklist” this season.   “The Blacklist” is a show about James Spader doing cool stuff, and maybe being the father of this one chick, but mostly James Spader.   It’s an alright show, sometimes it’s painfully boring, but other times it’s kind of fun, and the guest stars can be cool(Justin Kirk, who played Andy on “Weeds”, guest starred as a terrorist who had white hair last season).  I know, not the highest words of praise, but we love Mary Louise Parker and James Spader so we’ll watch it anyways.

Seriously though, I love MLP, and I’d watch her water a garden.  It could be worse, she could be on a CBS show(zing!).

That’s this week’s update on stuff.   Next week I’ll talk about some other stuff, and maybe sneak a television review in there.

This Week in Television: Happy Shiny Vampires on “The Strain”, Fake Gays on “Two and a Half Men”, Classic Poe with Kevin Williamson, and Deborah Ann Woll joins Daredevil

Welcome to “This Week in Television”, the blandly titled new segment where I piece together a bunch of thoughts on this week’s television shows I’m too lazy to do a full review for, and tell you about television news, and make you think about death and stuff! 

THE STRAIN:  Long before “Strain” debuted I talked about how I’d totally review “the Strain”, and how at it’s worst it would be dumb fun.  Well shame on me, because it wasn’t dumb or fun, it was just kind of boring.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely gorgeous, and the cast is all there(COREY STOLL!!!!!!!!!!  Also Wheevil from “Veronica Mars” is playing Wheevil from “Veronica Mars”!), but I sort of ended up playing “Sims 2” by the end of the episode , completely disinterested with what was going on.  “The Strain” isn’t bad, it’s pretty, and well acted, but it’s just really boring for a show about vampires and Corey Stoll.

GRADE:  C for Corey Stoll is awesome

TWO AND HALF MEN ARE GETTING MARRIED:  Chuck Lorre continues to beat the dead horse that is the “Mistaken for Gay/Heterosexual Life Partners” trope into a zombie horse, this time by having a fake/legally real gay wedding between the show’s straight lead characters Walden and Alan.  “Two and a Half Men” previously made waves when it announced that it would have a *gasp* lesbian character on the show(which is actually pretty edgy for a CBS show, I’ll admit).  The real news in this story is that there is some justice in the world, “Two and a Half Men” is ending this year #progress !

Really though, am I the only one who absolutely hates the whole “hahah people think they’re gay, but they’re not!  HARHARHAR!” jokes.  Like no one just instantly assumes because two people are close that they’re gay.  I don’t know, whatever.

NETFLIX’S DAREDEVIL SIGNS A NO NUDITY CONTRACT WITH DEBORAH ANN WOLL:  For all those Trubies/boob enthusiasts(I’m ashamed to admit I’m both of them) hoping in vain to see Deborah Ann Woll’s boobs, there is hope.   She’s been cast on Netflix’s upcoming “Daredevil” as Karen Page, where presumably we’ll never see her boobs but we’ll watch all seven seasons with blind hope that we will.  Damn you no nudity contracts, first Jennifer Beals, now DAW.   Also she’s a good actress, so yay!

KEVIN WILLIAMSON IS BETTER THAN YOU:  Okay, so what the fuck was that twitter battle that Todd Vanderwerff and Kevin Williamson had?  Was Kevin on LSD?  Because that’s the only way any of the things he posted made any sense whatsoever.

NPH ON AHS:  Neil Patrick Harris might be on “American Horror Story” this year, because Ryan Murphy has magical abilities to get amazing actors do weird stuff!

“JANE THE VIRGIN” IS GOOD, APPEARENTLY!:   When I saw the premise of “Jane the Virgin”, I thought “wow, that sounds weird.  It’ll probably get cancelled after the first season.”.  While it’ll probably still get canned after the season one, it’s actually supposed to be…well good according to critics.  I’m sure I’ll grow to love it, only to have it get cancelled, leaving me distraught(a la “Hellcats” and “Ringer” my other CW guilty pleasures).

Well that’s it for this week, see you next week.  Also I have a “24: Live Another Day” review I’m working on, so look for that soon(Monday-Tuesday at latest). 

 

 

Orange is the New Black Season Two Review/MAJOR SPOILERS: Locked In

MAJOR SPOILERS

So before I review, I have to apologize for not being on here lately.  I’d like to say it was because I’ve been going through a rough time lately, or that I had discovered the cure for cancer, or that I was the first documented male pregnancy, or that my dog died, or that my dead dog was pregnant(SPOILER ALERT:  I don’t actually have a dog), or that I had a relevant excuse for why I haven’t posted lately.  Alas, my only excuse is pure laziness(also I got HBO, a bunch of television shows on DVD,  Dragon Age Origins, and I also started watching “The L Word” based off Netflix recommendations and I’m kind of hooked).  So sorry about that, and this paragraph which has not a thing to do with OITNB season two, but whatever.

So what did I think of “Orange is the New Black” Season Two??  Well, I certainly liked it a lot, not as much as Season One, but I did really like it.  What was it that made this season not as spectacular as the first?  I don’t know for certain, there were a lot of great episodes and funny moments, but there was a certain spark missing from the new batch of episodes.  Whether that is the lack of the super sexy Laura Prepon(call me, boo), the just as significant lack of the queen of awesome Sophia(I have an idea for a spin-off/crossover with “American Horror Story”, where Sophia gets out of jail and Myrtle Snow is like her aunt or something, because why not(classic Ryan Murphy logic right there), and they travel the world and be fabulous together.  I’d watch that, wouldn’t you?), or the fact that Vee made all of my favorite characters really mean and horrible(except for Poussey, because Samira Wiley is a goddess), or that Larry didn’t die on the way back to his home planet(sorry man).   Also not enough Pornstache.

Here’s what the season did right and wrong, broken down by me.

THE GOOD

  • GREAT ENSAMBLE CAST

The writer’s really kill it when it comes to making each character unique and endearing in their own special way.  Side characters from last season like Miss Rosa and Flaca(I want to marry that woman) got a lot more spotlight this year.   Miss Rosa’s arc in particular was fucking fantastic, I was quite indifferent to her character last year but the way they brought her front and center this season was brilliant(also how perfect was the use of “Don’t Fear the Reaper” at the end of the finale?).

  • TAYLOR SCHILLING

She owned this season, if you turn the season upside down it says “Property of Taylor Schilling” on it, that is how amazing she was this season.  Not to say that she wasn’t amazing last year(she was fantastic last season too), but she just brought her A+++ game this season.  She killed the dramatic scenes, she killed the comedic scenes, and she killed just about everything they handed to her.  My favorite scene this season had to be the scene in the finale when Larry and Polly come to tell her about their relationship, she just fucking dominated that scene(my favorite scene last year was when Larry and Alex met and talked about Piper).   Whether you love Piper or you hate her(but really why?  How is she any worse than Alex, who is just as selfish if not more than she is?), you’ve got to give Taylor Schilling some major props for her work this season.

*How is it she is still super hot and make up-y given all she’s been through, and the fact that she’s in prison?  I’ll ignore this, because well…she’s super sexy, but it’s a bit silly.

  • HUMOR IS STILL SPOT ON

Not a whole lot to say, but that the show still has the same wit as last season.

  • MORAL AMBIGUITY

I mentioned in my season one review how much I enjoyed the moral ambiguity in the first season.  Well this takes that and raises it to eleven.  Seemingly unredeemable characters like Pennsatucky or Healy somehow manage to make their way into your heart, no matter how much you’d rather they not(how adorable was Pennsatucky this season, my favorite scene was the one when she asks Big Boo about the gay agenda, that was fucking brilliant).  Even Fig, who is sort of the big bad of the show, is worthy of our sympathy.  The show sort of wants you to separate the person and their actions, which is a lot to ask of an audience.  It’s so worth it though because you can sort of feel for everyone(except for Larry, and Polly, and Vee, who is actually Satan incarnate).  Also #TeamPornstache

ALL AROUND THE EPISODES WERE VERY GOOD

While I had my issues with the season, every episode was good in it’s own way.  There weren’t any episodes I’d rate lower than a “B” or a “B-“, and even those are rare.

THE BAD

VEE IS E-VEE-L

Lorraine Toussant(I don’t feel like opening another tab, so sorry if I misspelled that last name) gave a great performance, but Vee herself was just sort of a flat character.  She was evil and she broke up my OTF(One True Friendship for those who haven’t read my other OITNB review) Taystee/Poussey, and she slept with and then had her son killed(adopted but doesn’t make it any better).  They spent so much time on her, but they never really fleshed her out, which is weird considering how great a job they did fleshing out even the minor characters.

E-VEE-L CORRUPS

I’ll be honest, Taystee I don’t forgive you.  Crazy Eyes, I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you(I probably will eventually).  Black Cindy, I…oh who the fuck am I kidding, I aint even mad at you.  The runner girl, I’m indifferent.  I really hated the way Vee corrupted so many characters, and even the heel face turn at the end couldn’t make me forgive them(NO ONE HURTS SAMIRA WILEY OKAY!!!  THAT IS NOT OKAY!!!).

LARRY

Larry.

LARRY AGAIN.

Larry.

DID I FUCKING MENTION LARRY?!!!

Because he’s the worst!!!!!

OKAY BUT LARRY AND POLLY, DOH!

Okay, so here’s a question you can maybe answer in the comments.  Were any of you interested in the Larry/Polly storyline?  Listen, I actually liked Larry in season one, but he should have stayed there or gotten “House of Cards’d” and got hit by a train thirty minutes into the episode.  Or went off to a farm to hang with Liam from “Faking It” and Riley from “Buffy” and all of the other shitty love interest of television.  Because anything would have been better than Larry/Polly, THEY’RE THE WORST(Britta shivers at the thought of Porry, which is their ship name now, because I said it is).

The only moment that was somewhat interesting was when she was breaking up with her husband, and he thought they were having a threesome and he was down to do it, and then punches Larry when they break the real news.  Season Two ruined any chance of Larry and Polly ever redeeming themselves in my eyes.

MORE DRAMA THAN COMEDY

I like me some drama, but despite being just as funny, the laughs weren’t as frequent.

NO JENNIFER CARPENTER LIKE I SUGGESTED

I made a post where I suggested they cast Jennifer Carpenter(Deb from “Dexter”), and they didn’t do it.  I’m giving you free ideas Jenji Kohan, take them.  She would be perfect on OITNB!

NOW THE BEST…..

BREAKOUT STAR OF THE SEASON:  FLACA!!!!!!!!

Flaca is the best, hands down.

OVERALL

Season Two was good, but not as good as Season One.  Read my other “Orange is the New Black” reviews for more thoughts and stuff.

GRADE:  A-/B+