Let’s Cast “Orange is the New Black” Season Three!


Today I’m going to cast “Orange is the New Black” season three, so that Jenji Kohan/casting directors don’t have to.  The following are actresses/actors that fosho need to be cast in Season Three, and who they should play.  

  • JENNIFER CARPENTER(Debra Morgan from “Dexter”):  If you’ve ever read this blog before, you’d know that Jennifer Carpenter is my religion(as is Sarah Paulson a.k.a. our lord and savior).   I feel like Jennifer Carpenter should be in every show as the universe’s way of apologizing for the final season of “Dexter”, but I specifically want/need her to join “Orange is the New Black”, because she’s just so perfect for it.  As Debra Morgan, Carpenter was incredibly versatile, she could make us laugh with her foul mouthed antics, make us sad with her incredible crying, everything she was given she just took it and ran with it, which is why she needs to be on “OITNB”.                                                                                                                 WHO SHE SHOULD PLAY:  I could see her playing a foul mouthed prison guard, who doesn’t take any shit, but has a heart of gold underneath her cold exterior(cliché, I know).   I could also see her playing an inmate who was part of a motorcycle gang, who swears a lot, and starts up a relationship with Alex Vause and becomes involved in a love triangle with Piper and Alex.
  • FAMKE JANNSSEN( EVERYTHING):   You might know Famke from “Nip/Tuck” as the crazy but hot transgender woman who was fucking her son, or maybe you know her as crazy but hot lady who is probably fucking her son as well as her brother in law on “Hemlock Grove”, or maybe you know her as Jean Grey from “X-Men”.  The thing is you probs know Famke Jennsson and her incredibly sexy name.  Currently she stars on Netflix’s other, other show “Hemlock Grove”,  which is so terrible it’s almost good(almost).                                                                                                                  But let’s just ignore that, because everyone else does, and let’s just say she needs to be on “Orange is the New Black”.   Because…well….she totally does.                                                               WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:   Alex Vause’s hot aunt, who goes to jail and is super crazy and yells a lot(Fun Fact:  Famke Jennsson was going to star in “The Farm”, a failed Showtime spin-off of “The L Word”, which was going to be based in a women’s prison).
  • BRIE LARSON(UNITED STATES OF TARA, COMMUNITY, SHORT TERM 12):  Brie Larson is a fucking gem.   This girl is just awesome, I don’t think I need any further explanation.   She needs to be in more television, haven’t casting directors seen “Short Term 12”?                                                                                                                WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  I’m thinking more of a  two episode guest-spot/recurring role, maybe as Soso’s friend who she mentions all the time.
  • PAM GRIER(“The L Word”, “Smallville”):  I really love Pam Grier, and that’s why it makes me sad that she’s been so absent in the media lately.  Her last television role was like three episodes on “Smallville”, where she was only around for like ten minutes total.   She’s awesome, and we need more Kit Porter in our lives.     WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  Pam Grier is a badass, who knows how to bring the sass, so who better for her to play than Sophia’s mom?  ALSO MORE LAVERNE COX, ASAP!
  • JESSICA LANGE(“American Horror Story”):  She’s almost free, you guys.  Free from the clutches of Ryan Murphy’s inconsistent writing(TBH, I still love AHS, but that mostly has to do with the cast and Tim Minear).  Jessica Lange could play a tree, and I’d still watch it.  Get her on OITNB!                                                                                                              WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:       I haven’t thought that far ahead.  Really ‘do, Jessica Lange for OITNB!

I might make a second part of this if I get any other ideas.  In the meantime, tell me in the comments who you want to see on “Orange is the New Black”, and whether or not you like my casting choices.  Thanks for reading!

*I apologize for the horrible formatting, this new formatting is the worst.



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