American Horror Story: Freak Show 4×01-4×02 “Monsters Among Us”/”Massacres and Matinees” Review(Major Spoilers)

Don’t call us freaks!

“American Horror Story” is back!   I’ve remained cautiously optimistic for “Freak Show” in spite of the horrific final episodes of “Coven”(I was actually digging Coven for a while, but alas it’s final five episodes were a hot mess).   The new season is filled with a blend of new and old blood(including the show’s first returning character Pepper from “Asylum”, played by Naomi Grossman), and while still shot in New Orleans, the setting is more rural this time around.  Ryan Murphy and the cast weren’t lying when they said Season Four would be a spiritual successor to Season Two, the tone of it’s very reminiscent of Season Two.   But is it good?

I think it’s a little early to say that, and be 100% sure.   The first few episodes of “Coven” were fucking fantastic, and that slowly digressed into a steaming pile of shit by the finale(aka the worst hour of television I have ever viewed).  The first two episodes are very basic introductory episodes, and it seems this season is going to be going at a much slower pace.   I think this season has a lot of potential and I’m excited to see where this is going.

“Monsters Among Us” was a very strong opener.  Obviously there was a lot of buzz about that “Life on Mars” cover, and I think it deserves it all, Lange killed it(Bowie’s still better though).  I found the opening scene with the mailman entering Bette and Dot’s house to be fantastic.

The biggest problem I have with this season so far is Dandy aka Douche Clown Jr.   Much like the other characters to receive the title of douche here on this blog(Zach from “Dexter”, and the twins from “The Following”) he is a budding young sociopath and certified douche bag in 49 states including Alaska.   I truly can’t put into words how sick I am of the budding young sociopath douchebag that has slowly been making it’s way into every show.   He is the worst(but omg, Frances Conroy is adorbs as always!).

While I can’t say I’m personally scared by Twisty, I can say the visual design is fantastic and I can totally see why people are so freaked out by him(his mouth, tho’).  Having said that his story feels very disconnected from the freaks,  and kind of a random add on which I guess is sort of a classic “AHS” feature.

The second episode was surprisingly boring for an episode of “American Horror Story”.   Though the introduction of Desiree and the strong man looks to be a very interesting storyline.   Also the Sarah Paulson “Criminal” cover was fantastic, I have a feeling the music is going to be a lot of historically inaccurate fun.  I’m really digging Kathy Bates character this season.

The whole Elsa wants the twins dead twist was a bit too “Coven” for my tastes.   It’d be nice to see a Jessica Lange character that wasn’t selfish and out to get everybody.  So far we’ve had one great episode of “Freak Show” and one meh one.  I have a feeling that now all the characters are introduced the pace should speed up.  Also tonight’s episode introduces Emma Robert’s character and we all know how much I love me some Emma Roberts(any chance Ryan can throw us a bone and  throw in a little woman ass this season?).

GRADE:  A-(“MoA”/B-(“MaM”)

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Teen Titans Volume 3 #1(2014) Review/MAJOR SPOILERS: Some Stuff Happens, But Not Much Else

MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW….

So it’s been a while since I’ve talked about comics, which is because I really haven’t been reading them.  I last visited the store like a month ago, and I still haven’t read all of those, but today I ventured outside for the first time since I started watching “The L Word”(jk sort of), to pick up “Seconds” by Bryan Lee O’Malley.  And of course, me being the spontaneous daredevil I am picked up “Teen Titans #1” as well.

I feel like the Teen Titans have always been sort of a missed opportunity for DC.  Marvel’s always done a much better job with their teen-driven books because they actually y’know feel like teen driven books.  With books like “The Runaways”(just typing that brought a smile to my face), “Avengers Academy”(which is sort of like “Degrassi” with super-heroes), and “Young Avengers”(which is sort of like “Skins” for superheroes), they’ve really been capture the voices of young people and tell stories centered around them.

With “Teen Titans” it’s just sort of felt like some smaller scale Justice League stories with shorter versions of the Justice League.  Now I’ve always been a fan of the Teen Titans as they were sort of my introduction into comics, but as they’ve continued to shuffle through every writer who isn’t writing any important books(except for…SCOTT LOBDELL, who wrote like every DC book at one time because the higher ups don’t know how to read, lol sorry, that was mean), I’ve just sort of fell out of the loop.

This issue is basically about some terrorists on a bus and the Teen Titans save the day, also Star LABS is up to some shady shit.  That is the whole issue summed up in a single line.  It was just really quick, and kind of boring.  I mean even the complete 90’s mind-fuck that was Scott Lobdell’s run on Teen Titans was at least sort of interesting because it was just so bad(note:  I’m a sane person who has some self respect(KEY WORD:  some, I do watch “True Blood” and “The L Word” after all), so I stopped reading after the first arc so please forgive if it got better after the first arc).

The art’s pretty gorgeous though.  Also dafuck was with Bunker attacking that guy for possibly being a homophobe(who knows maybe he was gonna say something nice?).  Also even if he was being a homophobe it’s not nice to hit people in the face with purple brick things without a really good reason for it.

There’s really no characterization either, which is a must for a first issue.  If you want to get people hooked you’ve got to show why these characters are interesting, what their dynamic is, and their personalities should be on display.   The only thing I know is Bunker and Beast Boy are besties, Wonder Girl has surprisingly big breast for a high schooler, and Bunker likes to hit people in the face with magic brick things.  There’s nothing inherently horrible about this issue, it’s just there’s nothing really interesting.

GRADE:  C 75%

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOAST AND TELEVISION!!!!

Wow, it’s been a year since I started this blog.  Mind blown.  I feel like I’ve really grown as a writer in the year I’ve been writing here, back then I could give two fucks if I spelled something wrong or had a grammatical error, because the RAGE induced by “Dexter” Season Eight was so great(ironically I’m one of the few people who liked the series finale, please don’t kill me).

Now don’t get me wrong, I still make a shitload of grammatical errors(probably, I don’t really edit my posts YOLO), but I think I’ve got this whole basic spelling thing down!  Still I think I’m better at putting my thoughts into words, and it’s sort of broadened my horizons and gotten me to watch shows I never even knew about.  Some of my early posts are kind of cringe worthy, and sometimes I get really off topic, but by some work of the dark lord Cthuluh( JK, I don’t actually worship Cthuluh) I have TWENTY TWO FOLLOWERS, BITCHES!!

Seriously, thank you.  Every one who has ever liked a post, commented, read a post, voted in one of my polls, accidentally found this blog while looking for toast recipes, and all of you twenty-two followers, thank you.  This may not be the biggest blog in the world, but it means the world to me that people actually read it.  When I hear that e-mail alert, or log in and see that update in my inbox, it makes my day.  I DO IT FOR YOU GUYS!

I’d also like to thank “Polar Bears Watch TV”(http://polarbearstv.com/, go there if you don’t already), who was one of my first followers(the first I think, but don’t quote me on that.  LOL, no one’s going to be quoting this post).  SRSLY DO, thank you “Polar Bears Watch TV”, you’ve been one of my most active followers, even back in the dark ages of my “Dexter” rants, and  you also introduced me to “Orange is the New Black”.  So for that I am eternally grateful!

THANK YOU TOASTIES, YOU GIVE ME LIFE!  This blog is sort of like “Twin Peaks”(which I’ve never actually watched but everyone likes to say their work is inspired by, seriously every show), in that like five people actually read it but in twenty years people will probably look at this as one of the most influential pieces of writing ever given to society.

A THOUSAND BLOG POSTS, A MEMOIR, A TUMBLR PAGE, AND A MOVIE!!!!

 

The L Word Season Two Review/MAJOR SPOILERS: “I Really Fucked Up”

MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW…

So I finished Season Two of “The L Word” like four days ago and I’m already almost done with Season Three, which I vastly prefer so far.   I really loved Season One of “The L Word”, it was funny, sexy, insightful,  and it seemed realistic in many ways(though obviously there were some ridiculous moments, that required suspension of disbelief, but it’s television).  Season Two wasn’t necessarily bad, so much was it boring.  

There were a lot of fun moments, a couple of great episodes, some fucking awesome couples(I never knew how much I needed Dana and Alice to be together till it actually happened), and overall there were no real horrible episodes, but it felt as if it lost the spark of season one.  It was kind of like “Sex and the City” with lesbians/bisexual women.  Though I really loved the characters, I often wondered if I’d being watching the show if I wasn’t such a gross Yuri fanboy.  

That said I really loved a lot of aspects of the season.  The lesbian boat episode was fantastic, and while it didn’t exactly match up to the Dina Shore themed episode “Looking Back” from season one(which was one of the funnest[I know it’s not a word, but the dictionary can go fuck itself] viewing experiences I’ve ever had, ever), but it was up there definitely. 

Mia Kirshner’s continues to do an excellent job, and while I didn’t really buy into her character’s arc this season she did an excellent job.  A standout scene was how much emotion she was able to bring to the scene where she stripped naked before a crowd of screaming men, instead of being erotic, the scene was downright horrifying.  I was really happy when Tony Goldwyn(who has literally guest-starred on every Showtime series ever) gave her a hug, cause she really needed it.  Also her eyes make my heart melt.

The Mark storyline was literally the worst thing ever.  Seriously it made it so hard to enjoy other parts of the season, just because this storyline was so fucking stupid and gross.  The story painted scenes that should have been fun or sexy, to be kind of creepy because you knew that the characters were being watched.  On the contrary, I did love the Shane/Mark friendship, I think the character had a lot of potential to be Shane’s ignorant but well meaning lezbro/roommate. 

What can I say about the Dana/Alice romance, other than that I often found myself fangirling anytime they were together?  They are just too fucking cute together, and when Dana smiles my heart melts into a pile of goo.  They are now my OTP(alongside Palex, Karmy, and Hannigraham), seriously Alice and Dana are the best(side note:  I took Buzzfeed’s “Which L Word Character Are You?” quiz, and I got Alice.  I cried of joy, not really, but I did a dance of joy which was just as meaningful.  I AM ALICE, if Alice was a guy who wrote expletive filled blogs reviewing television shows on WordPress, but still, same person).  

Let’s not even talk about Helena, m’kay.  I actually love Season Three Helena, but Season Two Helena is the WORST!!!  The lack of Mr. Piddles is felt(we miss you Mister P!).  Kit shows up and does stuff sometimes, and says some sassy stuff, I love Kit even if her character doesn’t really have a purpose 80% of the time.  Bette and Tina getting back together made my heart grow ten times larger, and seeing Bette sad broke my heart.  Also how contrived was it that Bette and Kit’s dad just happened to be BFFs with Gloria Steinem?

Sarah Shahi is gorgeous and talented, and while I like her and Shane together in Season Three, I can’t really get into her character as an individual character.  There were a lot of good aspects of Season Two, but in terms of overall entertainment I felt a little unimpressed sometimes.  It was good, but I wouldn’t call it great by any means.  

*LOOK OUT FOR MY REVIEW OF JENNY LEWIS’S NEW CD, YA’LL!  ALSO “24: LIVE ANOTHER DAY” REVIEW IS STILL GOING TO HAPPEN!  ALSO OTHER STUFF!

GRADE:  B-  82 %

Let’s Cast “Orange is the New Black” Season Three!

WEIRDLY ENOUGH SPOILERS FOR “THE L WORD” FOLLOW…

Today I’m going to cast “Orange is the New Black” season three, so that Jenji Kohan/casting directors don’t have to.  The following are actresses/actors that fosho need to be cast in Season Three, and who they should play.  

  • JENNIFER CARPENTER(Debra Morgan from “Dexter”):  If you’ve ever read this blog before, you’d know that Jennifer Carpenter is my religion(as is Sarah Paulson a.k.a. our lord and savior).   I feel like Jennifer Carpenter should be in every show as the universe’s way of apologizing for the final season of “Dexter”, but I specifically want/need her to join “Orange is the New Black”, because she’s just so perfect for it.  As Debra Morgan, Carpenter was incredibly versatile, she could make us laugh with her foul mouthed antics, make us sad with her incredible crying, everything she was given she just took it and ran with it, which is why she needs to be on “OITNB”.                                                                                                                 WHO SHE SHOULD PLAY:  I could see her playing a foul mouthed prison guard, who doesn’t take any shit, but has a heart of gold underneath her cold exterior(cliché, I know).   I could also see her playing an inmate who was part of a motorcycle gang, who swears a lot, and starts up a relationship with Alex Vause and becomes involved in a love triangle with Piper and Alex.
  • FAMKE JANNSSEN( EVERYTHING):   You might know Famke from “Nip/Tuck” as the crazy but hot transgender woman who was fucking her son, or maybe you know her as crazy but hot lady who is probably fucking her son as well as her brother in law on “Hemlock Grove”, or maybe you know her as Jean Grey from “X-Men”.  The thing is you probs know Famke Jennsson and her incredibly sexy name.  Currently she stars on Netflix’s other, other show “Hemlock Grove”,  which is so terrible it’s almost good(almost).                                                                                                                  But let’s just ignore that, because everyone else does, and let’s just say she needs to be on “Orange is the New Black”.   Because…well….she totally does.                                                               WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:   Alex Vause’s hot aunt, who goes to jail and is super crazy and yells a lot(Fun Fact:  Famke Jennsson was going to star in “The Farm”, a failed Showtime spin-off of “The L Word”, which was going to be based in a women’s prison).
  • BRIE LARSON(UNITED STATES OF TARA, COMMUNITY, SHORT TERM 12):  Brie Larson is a fucking gem.   This girl is just awesome, I don’t think I need any further explanation.   She needs to be in more television, haven’t casting directors seen “Short Term 12”?                                                                                                                WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  I’m thinking more of a  two episode guest-spot/recurring role, maybe as Soso’s friend who she mentions all the time.
  • PAM GRIER(“The L Word”, “Smallville”):  I really love Pam Grier, and that’s why it makes me sad that she’s been so absent in the media lately.  Her last television role was like three episodes on “Smallville”, where she was only around for like ten minutes total.   She’s awesome, and we need more Kit Porter in our lives.     WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:  Pam Grier is a badass, who knows how to bring the sass, so who better for her to play than Sophia’s mom?  ALSO MORE LAVERNE COX, ASAP!
  • JESSICA LANGE(“American Horror Story”):  She’s almost free, you guys.  Free from the clutches of Ryan Murphy’s inconsistent writing(TBH, I still love AHS, but that mostly has to do with the cast and Tim Minear).  Jessica Lange could play a tree, and I’d still watch it.  Get her on OITNB!                                                                                                              WHO SHOULD SHE PLAY:       I haven’t thought that far ahead.  Really ‘do, Jessica Lange for OITNB!

I might make a second part of this if I get any other ideas.  In the meantime, tell me in the comments who you want to see on “Orange is the New Black”, and whether or not you like my casting choices.  Thanks for reading!

*I apologize for the horrible formatting, this new formatting is the worst.

                                                                                              

This Week In Media/Television: Planet of the Apes, Jenny Lewis and Brie Larson, The L Word, Hannibal, & Other Stuff!

Welcome to week 2 of “This Week in Media/Television”, the revised version of last weeks “This Week in Television”, because now we cover other media!  Basically, I string together random thoughts about things and call it an article.  

THE L WORD SEASON TWO, EPISODE SIX “LAGRIMAS DE ORO”:  THIS IS THE WAY, IS THE WAY, THAT WE LIIIIIIIVVVEE, AND LOVVVVVVEEE!!!!!!  Sorry ’bout that, I have “The L Word” theme song permanently burned into the back of my skull now and it’s only been around six episodes so far.  So episode six was chock full of talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, writing, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming, and hot prego-sex in a swimming pool.  For reals ‘do, this episode was so good.

So the big moment we’ve been waiting for is here, Dana breaks up with Tonya, and Tonya leaves Dana for Melissa Rivers(who loves our girl T for the person, not the gender).  I felt it was kind of a copout to have Tonya also have been cheating on Dana.  I mean don’t get me wrong, I ship Dalice, but it kind of takes off the whole “Dana’s got a sweet slightly crazy but sweet fiancée who is like perfect, except for the fact she totally killed Mr. Piddles(which is unforgivable, if true), and she’s cheating on her with Alice!” moral ambiguousness.   Though that face that Shane made at the end of the episode was perhaps the best thing I’ve seen in my whole entire life.

Jenny is dating super sexy sex god Carmen de la Pica Morales(that name ‘do, that’s the sexiest name ever), but Carmen really just wants her some Shane(who doesn’t really?).  This leads to us getting some Jenny carnival visions(yay?), and Carmen is like a super sexy Kali, and Shane is the beast tamer, and Jenny jumps off a ledge.  It’s really stupid and pretentious, but that’s just cause Jenny’s like totally intellectual and you just don’t get her writing(my favorite pretentious Jenny moment was her letter to Tim in Season One, and the woman who can speak to manatees book).   Also Jenny’s teacher and that blonde guy want to have a threesome with her fosho.

Tina had a hot hookup with Helena in the pool, which was totes gross because she’s pregnant, but also one of the hottest sex scenes I’ve ever scene on television, especially when they’re in the pool and that jazzy music plays.  Poor Bette ‘do, and that face she made when she was talking to Kit about Kit’s new BF was priceless.  Really all of Bette’s faces are priceless.

GRADE:  B+ for Bette Porter plus for that Shane smile

*Comment if you want me to do more “L Word” reviews, this is sort of me testing the waters.

JENNY LEWIS NEW VIDEO W/ BRIE LARSON, KRISTEN STEWART, AND ANNE HATHAWAY:  I think I was legally dead for five seconds when I realized Jenny Lewis and Brie Larson were in the same music video.  It’s got Shane McCutch…I mean Kristen Stewart and Anne Hathaway as well, and they’re dressed in drag for portions of the video, and it’s just so good.  It’s for Jenny’s new CD “Voyager” and the song is called “Just One of the Guys”.  WATCH IT!

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES:   This was like the anti-summer blockbuster.   I mean it had a huge scope, giant fights, and a summer blockbuster-y premise but it was like…good.   I’m not trying to say that blockbusters can’t be good, but this movie actually felt like a movie and not just a cash grab.  It was fun and dark, and quite frankly kind of depressing.  SPOILER ALERT when I though Caesar was dead, I was about ready to cry right there in the movie theater END SPOILERS.  It was fucking awesome, go see it!

GRADE:  A-

HANNIBAL SEASON THREE SCOOP:  RAUL MUTHAFUCKIN’ ESPARZA IS BACK BITCHES(#TEAMCHILTON)!  Also we’ll see Abel Gideon in flashback form, Abby is back in some form, and a whole ton of characters from the books/movies I don’t know about will be introduced.   GILLIAN MUTHAFUCKIN’ ANDERSON MIGHT BE A REGULAR!   Basically, this season is going to be fucking amazing.

COMMUNITY IS COOL, COOL, COOL:  Season Six of “Community” is happening, and Troy may or may not come back, not much else came out of comic-con in terms of Community news.  Let’s try and get Donald Glover back on “Community” guys, we can do this, and he can even say that it’s “Because the Internet”.

KENNY JOHNSON BOOKS A LONG TERM STAY IN “BATES MOTEL” WITH NICOLA PELTZ: Kenny Johnson, from “The Shield”(which I haven’t seen) and as that one guy who died on “Dexter”, who played Norma’s brother/father of her child will be back and a regular in Season Three of the A&E series.   Nicola Peltz is back too, after exiting the show in episode two of Season two to work on “Transformers”.

MARY LOUISE PARKER RETURNS TO TELEVISION…WELL NBC…BUT HEY, IT’S SOMETHING:  In another round of NBC’s fun game of “pull an idea out of a hat and see if it sticks”, a eight hour mini-series called “The Slap” has been greenlit.  It’s about a family that is torn apart after a father slaps another family’s child, and is based off an Australian series.   Anyhow Mary Louise Parker and Peter Sarsgaard will star in it as Hollywood execs, and Sarsgaard will start an affair with his wife’s assistant(husband cheating on wife with younger woman is such a worn out cliché at this point, unless it’s Alexandra Daddario, no one cares.   These fictional couples just need to learn about open relationships), and Mary Louise Parker is a friend of Sarsgaard and Hollywood exec who loses her job after green-lighting a pilot called “The Slap”(lol, jk, she does play an executive producer though).

In slightly better news for MLP(just slightly), she will be on “The Blacklist” this season.   “The Blacklist” is a show about James Spader doing cool stuff, and maybe being the father of this one chick, but mostly James Spader.   It’s an alright show, sometimes it’s painfully boring, but other times it’s kind of fun, and the guest stars can be cool(Justin Kirk, who played Andy on “Weeds”, guest starred as a terrorist who had white hair last season).  I know, not the highest words of praise, but we love Mary Louise Parker and James Spader so we’ll watch it anyways.

Seriously though, I love MLP, and I’d watch her water a garden.  It could be worse, she could be on a CBS show(zing!).

That’s this week’s update on stuff.   Next week I’ll talk about some other stuff, and maybe sneak a television review in there.

This Week in Television: Happy Shiny Vampires on “The Strain”, Fake Gays on “Two and a Half Men”, Classic Poe with Kevin Williamson, and Deborah Ann Woll joins Daredevil

Welcome to “This Week in Television”, the blandly titled new segment where I piece together a bunch of thoughts on this week’s television shows I’m too lazy to do a full review for, and tell you about television news, and make you think about death and stuff! 

THE STRAIN:  Long before “Strain” debuted I talked about how I’d totally review “the Strain”, and how at it’s worst it would be dumb fun.  Well shame on me, because it wasn’t dumb or fun, it was just kind of boring.  I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s absolutely gorgeous, and the cast is all there(COREY STOLL!!!!!!!!!!  Also Wheevil from “Veronica Mars” is playing Wheevil from “Veronica Mars”!), but I sort of ended up playing “Sims 2” by the end of the episode , completely disinterested with what was going on.  “The Strain” isn’t bad, it’s pretty, and well acted, but it’s just really boring for a show about vampires and Corey Stoll.

GRADE:  C for Corey Stoll is awesome

TWO AND HALF MEN ARE GETTING MARRIED:  Chuck Lorre continues to beat the dead horse that is the “Mistaken for Gay/Heterosexual Life Partners” trope into a zombie horse, this time by having a fake/legally real gay wedding between the show’s straight lead characters Walden and Alan.  “Two and a Half Men” previously made waves when it announced that it would have a *gasp* lesbian character on the show(which is actually pretty edgy for a CBS show, I’ll admit).  The real news in this story is that there is some justice in the world, “Two and a Half Men” is ending this year #progress !

Really though, am I the only one who absolutely hates the whole “hahah people think they’re gay, but they’re not!  HARHARHAR!” jokes.  Like no one just instantly assumes because two people are close that they’re gay.  I don’t know, whatever.

NETFLIX’S DAREDEVIL SIGNS A NO NUDITY CONTRACT WITH DEBORAH ANN WOLL:  For all those Trubies/boob enthusiasts(I’m ashamed to admit I’m both of them) hoping in vain to see Deborah Ann Woll’s boobs, there is hope.   She’s been cast on Netflix’s upcoming “Daredevil” as Karen Page, where presumably we’ll never see her boobs but we’ll watch all seven seasons with blind hope that we will.  Damn you no nudity contracts, first Jennifer Beals, now DAW.   Also she’s a good actress, so yay!

KEVIN WILLIAMSON IS BETTER THAN YOU:  Okay, so what the fuck was that twitter battle that Todd Vanderwerff and Kevin Williamson had?  Was Kevin on LSD?  Because that’s the only way any of the things he posted made any sense whatsoever.

NPH ON AHS:  Neil Patrick Harris might be on “American Horror Story” this year, because Ryan Murphy has magical abilities to get amazing actors do weird stuff!

“JANE THE VIRGIN” IS GOOD, APPEARENTLY!:   When I saw the premise of “Jane the Virgin”, I thought “wow, that sounds weird.  It’ll probably get cancelled after the first season.”.  While it’ll probably still get canned after the season one, it’s actually supposed to be…well good according to critics.  I’m sure I’ll grow to love it, only to have it get cancelled, leaving me distraught(a la “Hellcats” and “Ringer” my other CW guilty pleasures).

Well that’s it for this week, see you next week.  Also I have a “24: Live Another Day” review I’m working on, so look for that soon(Monday-Tuesday at latest).